Choosing a partner

 

It doesn’t work to blame your partner - you are responsible for who you let into your life. This is essential especially when choosing a partner; this should be someone you can let into your closest sphere, and to do that  you need to feel secure with that person. It may seem simple; but for most people it is not. The reason is that we all have a core wound playing out, unless it is healed. For some it is not so harmful; they can have fulfilling and harmonious love relationships. Others are repeatedly drawn to partners who are clearly not good for them. Usually it goes both ways; but the ”overfunctioning” (or co-dependent) partner doesn’t see his or her role in the play; being too busy playing the victim-game, not aware of the true reason why: He or she doesn’t want to see the mess inside and take responsibility for cleaning up what is there. There are other patterns that are more or less dysfunctional; the common mistake though, is to see the dysfunctionality in the partner, but not in yourself.

 

But the responsibility that needs to be taken is huge; and that is to choose a partner you can love as he/she is - without wanting to change the other. Because trying to change the other is not only impossible - it is manipulation and manipulation is violence. To attract a good partner you need to be a good partner yourself…. Of course it doesn't mean to be perfect; more than anything it means to clear yourself of the judgmental mind that cannot accept ”faults” in others. But it also means to not let someone close who doesn’t respect you and deeply care for you.

 

If you realize that you have a lot to learn about love that is a good sign. Because the general state of most people is that when it comes to love and relating we are extremely immature. We are kids trying to have relationships, and in general - it doesn’t work very well. So if you realize how it is (for instance through troubling relationships) - look for a partner that realizes this too. And make sure you find a partner that is both willing and capable of doing this work together with you. Because then the two of you can help each other in this process of learning to love each other and yourselves deeper.

 

There is no right and wrong here: it is all about taking responsibility for the experience you are giving yourself. Don’t give yourself one experience while wanting another! Many people are disappointed with their partners, or lack of partners…. If that is the case you need to look within  for the solution. If you don’t want to be in a committed relationship, or if you prefer a polyamorous way of life there is nothing ”wrong”. I would say though; the kind of deep sexual love I’m writing about here will have it’s limit if you do not have a deep commitment to each other where sexual intimacy is kept only between the two of you. Because it is opening up to such deep vulnerability, and to facilitate healing the core wounds together the safety of knowing that the other person is deeply dedicated to do this work with you is needed.

 

But the commitment should be to love itself foremost - not to the other person. It means that we need to do our best to take responsibility for ourselves within the relationship, and not use our partner as a bin for our emotional trash. To some extent that is what we sign up for in a relationship; but do this only with a partner that is doing his/her best to take responsibility for his/her own emotional trash.

 

 Anette Utterbäck

The transition from having sex

into making love.

 

If this is new to you, it will most likely take some time and effort to ”unlearn” yourself from the conditioning you have around sexuality. And it goes deep. So even if this is not about technique; some suggestions might be helpful to start out with.

 

For the man giving up the wish to ejaculate might be somewhat difficult. For most men using a certain ”mind-control” is probably necessary in the beginning stages of making love in this way. One way of doing this is to stop the movements every time you feel close to coming; to stay very still until the urge to ejaculate is over. And to repeat this whenever needed… The end of love-making is not (usually) having an orgasm; but feeling the energy subside. It doesn’t mean never allowing yourself to have an orgasm. However, learning to feel where that urge comes from is necessary - if it comes from the mind or from the body. If this is new to you it is hard to know the difference until you are used to end love-making without ejaculating. This withholding based on mind-control needs to shift when the ”addictive” need to ejaculate is giving in; for you to really be tuned into the body, which is the core of true love-making.

 

For the woman this is easier; she needs to give up the ”wanting” an orgasm and stay open and receptive. But she doesn't need to hold back. It is still very important though, also for the woman, to give up the greed in wanting to gain pleasure through making love. The ”wanting to get anything out of it” is completely blocking the possibility of truly meeting the other in deep love through love-making. This means there can be no fantasies: be there fully and completely with your partner.

 

Other than that, it’s more about being present than anything else. Skip foreplay in the sense of trying to get your partner ”excited”. Pleasure-seeking has no place - passion arises when it does, and then you follow that wave. When it is not there - listen to the bodies. Look each other in the eyes. Be slow. Touch gently, lovingly, with the only aim of expressing your love for the other person.

 

Create enough space for love to be able to flourish and develop. Even if it’s all about the present moment it’s important to have hours of clock-time available as often as possible; so that you can follow the flow and energy of the body. Making love in this way can easily continue for hours; sometimes just resting in each other’s arms, kissing, touching, looking each other in the eyes, expressing your love in words, penetration - all in it’s own flow and sequence as whatever comes natural in the unfolding moment.

 

Again an instruction for the man: Respect your penis. Erection is there when it is there naturally; never force it. Don’t force movements in order to get an erection. If there is erection enough to come inside the woman, come inside and wait to see what wants to happen. Both need to listen deeply to the bodies. Don’t try to please your partner or seek pleasure for yourself. If you see that movement in yourself, drop it. If you see that movement in your partner; don’t judge it, but speak up. If needed, stop the love-making and continue later. From the outside it may look the same; enormous pleasure can be felt in the bodies. The crucial thing is that pleasure appear - but the mind is not seeking it. Pleasure seeking disappears and only pure passion remains.

 

Deal with whatever is coming up during love-making, but never from a state of judgment. If you want to open up for true vulnerability - the total nakedness of the soul - it is important to not find faults in each other. Instead, help each other to see what needs to be seen from a state of love. Both need to be willing to see themselves for this to work, and take responsibility where sufficient love is not yet developed.

 

Ps. Although I have written this for heterosexual partnership; I hope that homosexual couples find this useful too.

 

 Anette Utterbäck